While watching Booth risking his life to save Bones and TJ Hotness (lol)... I feel "I should blog this".
I have worked my butt off on not feeling I'm some sort of second place prize, on setting my mind, my body, my soul and my everything on (lest be honest) me. And then it fricking comes again.
I am (and let's remember this is the honestest time) still having some sort of feelings for this dude, feelings that, I've tried to bury, but that are still there... or here, to be precise. And once again it happens, his back. So just picture this in your mind something you really really really really want doesn't really work for you in any of the best ways, or even OK ways. And you finally get to this point where you are stronger, faster, etc, and it can't get you... or at least that's the feeling you have, and it's awesome, because that's exactly what you want; you know, nothing fancy. So some days you get a little nostalgic about just everything, and you know you can play a little game of hide and seek, and there's no harm on it. And you just play along. But here comes the day when, everything you really really really really want is just right there, lying, with a big red bow and a note that says "For you, because I love you". Crap. Crap. Crap. And a thousand times crap.
I stand there, just reading the note once and again. Knowing I'm doing exactly what he expects and exactly what I shouldn't.
You know for years a felt like the little kid that owned a cat, and when the cat die, she buried it, but she left his tail out, so when she felt lonely she could just go over and pet the tail... So I felt like that... like the dog that returns to his own vomit. How pretty. And then I felt so strong, so in control. And there is when I got the present. if you ask me it's not fair, not fair at all.
But you said: "Well, you know that's life, what' you gonna do 'bout it". And that my friend, my dear friend, it's the actual question: What am I gonna do?
I think I have several options, and there's a box down here so you can tell me if I have even more.
1. Go back to my dear vomit.
2. Pet it for the last time and bury it completely.
3. Man up.
I've made up my mind. It might not be easy, might not even be what I want, but I've learned sometimes is better not to think (not to feel?), and just keep going.
How amazing to find that, like 2 and a half years later, and to realize that I don't even remember what the gift was, and that today I'm not just faster and stronger than I was before, but I am faster and stronger than he is. Feeling pretty awesome. I guess I did made the right choice, and I could not feel any happier. I am better and stronger and I don't want to ever go back to my vomit. 'Cause that's what you are for me, at least until what separates us changes. And I still don't think I would go back, like fully.